It’s no secret that kids say the craziest things. This is especially true when they are growing up in school. That’s probably what makes being a teacher so fun, too — because they get to overhear all of the crazy things their students say.
Luckily for us non-teachers, those people decided to share some of their stories. Here are the funniest ones.
“One of my pre-kindergarteners was squirming as we lined up for lunch. I asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom, and he said no, but kept squirming. So I asked if he was sure, and he said, ‘I’m OK — it’s just that my penis is so big.’ He had an erection.”
“One of my students was hugging me goodbye when they took a deep inhale, smiled up at me lovingly, and said, ‘Your shirt smells like a grandma, but your armpits smell like Chuck E. Cheese.'”
“On Fridays, preschoolers and kindergarteners get their faces painted in the afternoon. Most kids want to be dinosaurs, fairies, or unicorns. One little girl asked to be God.”
“One of my 7th graders asked me where babies come from, and another student replied, ‘Well, when a Mommy and Daddy love each other very much…they get a bottle of scotch and a cheap motel room.”
“Once when I worked as a lunch lady, one of my favorite kindergarteners was getting ready to run out for recess when I stopped her and said, ‘Hannah, you should wash your face before you go out — there’s spaghetti sauce all over it.’ She took off anyway, screaming, ‘IT’S MY WAR PAINT!'”
“I teach elementary band, and once we were preparing for a playing test when one student said, ‘Man, I need to practice.’ Without missing a beat, the kid next to him said, ‘My mom says I need Jesus.'”
“I work with 2-year-olds, and one day a kid was kicking another kid under the table. The first kid asked him to stop, but the second kid kept kicking him, so finally the first kid said, ‘Stop, Motherfucker!’ My co-teacher and I died trying not to laugh.”
“I heard a student say, ‘I thought Astronomy would be easy because I know all about it, but he hasn’t even brought up horoscopes yet, and we’re 6 weeks in!'”
“I asked my 4th graders to name some of the things that come from farms, and one of my students said, ‘Hamburgers.’ So I said, ‘Sort of. If we take a hamburger apart, what do we get from a farm?’ He replied, ‘Hamburgers come from hamburger farms, Miss. I read about it online.'”
“I’m a math professor, and I had just finished a proof when I asked my students, ‘Does everyone understand my choices?’ One of my favorite students piped up and asked, ‘Are we talking about your proof or how you’ve chosen to live your life?'”
“I was teaching a lesson on whales in my high school science class, and had just mentioned the sperm whale when a girl asked, ‘Is that why the ocean is so salty?'”
“I was tutoring a kid after school when he asked, ‘What time is it?’ I joked, ‘Time for you to get a watch,’ and he — without a moment’s hesitation — responded, ‘Time for you to get a new joke.’ I had to laugh at getting shown up by a fifth grader.”
“Last year, I had a very bright kid whose desk looked like multiple tornadoes had hit it. I tried to appeal to his scientific side by telling him about a study about how clutter affects the brain. His response? ‘I’m from Europe — it’s different for us.'”
“One of my little 6-year-old students who weighed about 80 pounds at the time walked in late from recess. When I asked him why he was late, he grabbed his hunk of belly with both hands and said, ‘The ladies love this!’ then sat down like nothing happened.”
“I’m a band teacher, and one day I gave my students blank sheet music for them to start mapping out some basic compositions. The paper had no notes or symbols. One of my students received his sheet music, thinking it was a new song we’d learn, saw that it was blank, and asked, ‘Wow — budget cuts must’ve hit us hard, huh?'”
“Once I was asking my students when their birthdays were, and one boy said that his birthday was September 31st. I told him that wasn’t possible, but he insisted. So later, I looked it up and informed him that his birthday was actually November 17th. His face brightened, and he said, ‘Well, last year I KNOW it was September 31st!'”
Taught ESL (English as a Second Language) for a year. Had an adorable 6-year old who could not say clock. We worked for weeks at it with her, she just could not say it.
I had a student who was a newcomer (just moved to the US, almost no English) from Latvia. This kid is very bright and was one of my favorite 6th graders ever. We were having our annual jogathon, which is linguistically and culturally not translatable from Latvian.
Student: So I pay you and you make me run?
Me: Yeah, that’s actually how it goes.
Student: This is simple. I don’t pay you, you don’t make me run.
I teach sophomores. One day, this girl was sitting at her desk, looking very concerned, and obviously wanted to ask me something. Finally, she blurted our, “Did anybody else see the moon in the sky during lunch? It’s supposed to be out at night, something is wrong!”
I teach Koreans. There is no “V” sound in the Korean language, so a lot of stuff with a “V” becomes a “P” or “B”. Balentine’s Day, for example. They know what a “V” is, so pronunciation just depends on if they’ve read the word using the Korean alphabet or the English one.
One time, a group of students wanted to do a skit about Sailor Venus. So the whole skit was about “Sailor Penis,” “Sailor Penis” fights using Penis’s power of love, and ties down enemies using her special penis love chain.
At the time I was teaching middle school math and we were going through solving 2-step equations. We came to the point of having the students making their own “real-world” problems for them to solve and then have a partner solve the problems each made. The one caveat I put on the activity was that each situation had to be appropriate. One student then chimes in with,
“So, that means we can’t make a question about dead hookers right?”
It was extremely difficult not to laugh in front of a classroom full of 13 and 14 year old middle schoolers.
One time my student said can you ask my dad if it’s ok that I want you to my “real mom”. I said you have a wonderful mom and he said but it’s not you. I wish you could put me to sleep at night bc I would feel so good. I never forget this or the job I signed up for.
We were talking about cheetahs. Some kid said he could beat a cheetah in a race. The class predictably laughs and the kid shuts up. A minute later he just turns around and says “I can beat a FAT cheetah in a race.”
I was sharing information about math in art and mentioned Leonardo da Vinci. A student said, “the pizza guy?”. I was confused, but later she said, “See! The pizza party!”.. We were looking at The Last Supper.
“Miss, I HAD to get my eyebrows done over the weekend because they were basically married. They were so close together it was like ‘you may kiss the bride.’”
One of my fourth graders said that she saw the movie, Lincoln, when it came out. She started talking about it and then got really sad and said, “And then he died in the end!”
I was working in second grade, and I had a student who reminded me of myself. I am a very quiet person, and as the saying goes it’s the quiet and well behaved ones you need to watch out for. One day that student flips the bird, and I am secretly busting out laughing.
One day we were walking back to the classroom after lunch and a boy was irritating a little girl in front of him in line. She’d finally had enough, and this sweet faced five year old girl, turned around and said, (not real name) “Joseph! Stop being an asshole!”
I’m a physics teacher and I used to do a problem where I shoved a random boy group off a cliff (I think that year it was one direction). Any ways I set up the whole scenario and problem and I look at the class and ask “what’s the first step” a boy who was usually fairly quiet chimes in with “Mr. we need to hide the bodies.”
At Christmastime, I bring out an Elf who does mischievous things in the classroom and leaves the kids notes. One year I overheard a discussion between my students if the elf was real or not. One if the students replied “of course it’s real, Mrs. EnchantedOcelot would NEVER lie to us.”
Last day of school year I gifted the 7th grade with candy and allowed them to eat it in class. When they finished I said “I don’t want to see any trash on the ground!” So one of the kids picked his friend up and said “come on, the teacher doesn’t want to see any trash on the ground.” It was silly and I just couldn’t stop laughing for a good 5 minutes.
I worked as an after-school instructor a few years ago and for a project asked the kids to name a list of monsters. One of them said “God.” Proof that not all the Gnostics are dead.
Overheard a kid telling another kid as he showed him a picture he had drawn, “And that’s me in space letting off a fart that deforests the Earth.” He was 7.
Teachers share the most hilarious things their students have said when their parents aren’t around
Kirsten Spruch
12.11.19
It’s no secret that kids say the craziest things. This is especially true when they are growing up in school. That’s probably what makes being a teacher so fun, too — because they get to overhear all of the crazy things their students say.
Luckily for us non-teachers, those people decided to share some of their stories. Here are the funniest ones.
